A Farewell to Ahns

Dear massive, adulatory fan base

You knew the day would have to come when we became so fed up with life here that no amount of spiced cabbage and rice wine spiked with antifreeze (known to the Kims as "Sochu") could make it better. It has happened - our korean sun is setting, our train is leaving the station, our short film is just a money shot and a towel short of completion. That's right, Wake Me and Wex are outa Seoul in 36 hours.

It's been one year, 6 months and 19 days, and I've lost that lovin feelin. I can no longer tolerate the raw sewage smell greeting me at every corner, the wicked old women sneering at me on the bus, nor the assholes on scooters trying to run me down on the sidewalk. I still love the shiny suits and snowstorm miniskirts, but they can no longer compensate for my retarded job, where recently they appointed a bio chemist to be the head of my marketing division. the guy has never even sold a fucking toothbrush and now I'm supposed to take orders from him - no, no i'm not.

So i quit that shitbox job and am now officially working on my novel... Of course as you might imagine my departure from that ill-fated enterprise was as silly and annoying as my year long tenure there. I was subjected to an endless barrage of well wishing Kims who insisted on taking me out to lunch so that we could have awkward conversations about how everybody wishes they too had the balls to quit their pointless job and leave this ass backwards country. These conversations were spliced between inspiring farewell discussions such as my general manager's discourse on why dog meat is better for humans than beef. This is because humans are omnivores, and so are dogs, whereas cows only eat grass. We should eat creatures that share our appetites. (this is why the best meat of all is human flesh - goes great with pickles).

Before I slapped this moron across the face with my delicious T-bone, I demanded how his brilliant logic applied to the Kims favorite food, pork. Well everyone knows pigs have a special body chemistry that makes their fat more suitable for human consumption than beef fat. I will truly miss the Korean version of science that people here use to justify every ridiculous thing they believe. It's more entertaining than American logic, which tends to ignore science in favor of lessons from people who can walk on water and/or part seas.

But I digress. In less than two days I shall no longer have amusing arguments about the virtues of dog meat how it leads to cannibalism. Nor will I have to deal with scum-sucking assholes in HR who are forcing me to sue them over my severance pay. I leave all that bullshit behind me and step out into the great unknown, which is to say this great recession i've been hearing so much about. What better time to be unemployed? I'll have lots of company on the couch.

But lest ye think that my imminent parting wants for a little sweet sorrow, allow me to give a final shout out to all the poor seouls I'll be leaving behind. My friends and bandmates in this lame town have made the journey a fun one, despite all the crap this blog has detailed. I may not have learned much in my inane job, but I certainly leave Korea richer in friends and life experiences, and for that I (and Wake Me too) am grateful. So aniyeong, my korea homies. Hope to see you all again soon, but not back here.

every inch of my love
Wex

Stop Being Douchebags? Yes They Can

On this historic day I thought I should write a little post about my man Obama, who's triumph over the snowmobiles of fear and the moosehunters of ignorance has managed to crack through even the opaque walls of the occasional Kim. While there has been no partying in the streets a la European Cities, my somnambulist colleagues actually acknowledged that something more important than extra sides of Kimchi was happening today.

In fact, I have noticed a marked increase in positivity coming from a traditionally sour source, the Korean cab driver. Most of our readers know that cab drivers have been the bane of many an otherwise pleasant evening here in Seoul. They are ill-tempered assholes who behave more like mutinous indentured servants than people who are actually getting paid. ("Turn the car around on this empty street?? Fuck no - Get the hell out of my cab!"). They also tend to be racist bastards who refuse to pick up white folk like me unless we sport a nice looking suit, and even then prospects are grim.

But since November 2008, I am pleased to say that many cab drivers can't stop talking about America and Barack Obama. These days it is not unusual to be welcomed into a cab with the a brief exchange about where I am from, followed by "America - very good. Barack Obama, yes we can!" Or something like that. After 8 years of being embarrassed and defensive, I'm once again proud to tell the cabbies I'm from America, and they too are proud to be alive in this moment in history. So kudos to you America, and to you too, cab-drivin Kims. You cats are alright.

Now please turn left at this intersection. "Turn left? Hell no! Get the fuck out of my cab..."

Accomplishments of the Bush

This has nothing to do with Korea, but I find it pretty amusing.

It's the Whitehouse's resume for the past eight years. Apparently they felt like the Americans didn't understand all the great stuff Bush and Co. have been doing for the world.

But check out the style. Doesn't it read like some kid's summer report? I imagine some intern had to put this together while the rest of the staff was helping W clear brush. It's pathetic, funny, and rather emblematic of W's reign.

He will be missed.

$500 Shoes... still lives with his mom

When I was in Thailand with my pops this xmas we were wandering through some mall trying to find an internet café (the hotel had all the porn blocked) and along the way decided to check out some fancy stores. Pops commented that even on sale the name-brand shit was way more expensive than in the states and inquired “who the hell pays this much money for this crap”? Having spent over a year in Korea I was ready with the answer: “the Asians do”.

Since living here I’ve noticed something about the Kims that I suspect is common to all East Asian societies – they drop a shitton of loot on overpriced clothes/accessories. I’m not just talking about rich people either. All the Kims find it necessary to spend every cent of their disposable income on fancy name brand crap they don’t need. In fact most of them go beyond disposable income and simply drop all the cash they have on Prada shoes, Gucci glasses, Louis Vuitton briefcases, and Ferragamo belts. That kind of stuff is seen as a social necessity and people who don’t sport it are shunned and mocked.

I know you’re thinking you’ve seen this before, that everybody in New York and LA does the same thing. But trust me; they don’t kick it like the Kims. The most superficial Upper East Side princess to ever throw up martini on her Cockapoo at Elaine’s has never spent such a percentage of her husband’s wealth on fashion.

It’s a sad situation, but it’s also funny. Despite their excesses most of the Kims dress like clowns. This is partially because of bad fashion sense, but also because the average Kim cannot afford to completely bling out. Note that I only referenced accessories above. That’s because most Kims work like slaves for pathetic paychecks, so they can’t afford to actually buy fancy clothes. The prices here are so inflated that all your average salaryman/woman can swing is accessories. They can’t afford a Prada suit or dress, so they settle for Ferragamo shoes. In a way this is economical, since the accessories can be warn far more often than any item of clothing. But it produces an hilarious spectacle, because the aforementioned fashion sense gets in the way of what bling they can afford.

In my office I routinely see guys walking around with $500 shoes, $300 belts and $1K watches - in shiny suits that would barely pass muster at Kmart. The suits literally look like they were stitched together by some 6th grade Home-Ec class. The chicks wear sweaters that would make your grandma look cool, but they all have that Gucci bags. Apparently actual style is not what they pay for, just the ability to flaunt a big name. (Literally: the name on the item must be as bold as possible, with any tags sporting said name deliberately left sewn in, like a yuppie Korean rap video).Anybody who cared about style would divide that money into a few different respectable outfits instead of 3 really fancy accessories, but not the Kims.

But the ridiculous appearance of these cats is overshadowed by an even more amusing fact – they all still live with their moms. Take the guy on my team who works next to me. He sports a $2K Omega watch, some kinda fancy mail order shoes from Italy, and owns 4 different cashmere scarves (from Burberry, Sax, etc…). Like everybody else on my team, the dude has a $200 Montblanc pen that he carries with him everywhere. Since nobody really needs to take notes on the pointless work we do around here, my man uses his Montblanc pen to doodle whenever possible. He talks shit about my fake designer belt and ties from China ($3 a pop), but my rejoinder is simple: He lives with his friggin mom.

The guy is 32 years old and unmarried. He actually dresses a lot better than most Kims, probably because his mommy buys him decent (non Home-Ec manufactured) suits. But at the end of the day, dude is still not married (strange for a Korean) and he never gets laid. What is the point of all his bling? Wouldn’t the poor bastard be better off if he sold his fancy accessories and put a deposit on an apartment? I guarantee he would at least have a little better shot with the ladies. And yet, without a hint of irony, my male colleagues will defend cohabitation with their parents as a pecuniary prerequisite. It costs too much to live alone, the Kims opine.

That’s fine with me, since I’ve been replacing his brand name gear with Chinese replicas for months now. If somebody’s gonna look fly around here, it will have to be me.

Winter Wonderland

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Readers

I know it’s been ages. I know I’ve been remiss in my duties in recent months. But it was fantasy football season, and since I usually write these at work, which is also where I watch football on the internet and compare stats for hours on end, I was pretty short on time. Plus every once in a while some asshole has the gall to demand that I do some work.

But never fear: football’s almost over and I’m quitting this stupid job soon, so I plan on doing as little work as possible over the next couple months.

As a bonus, it’s winter time in Korea. Winter in Korea is miserable, so you know I’ll have plenty to write/bitch about. The only positive thing I can think of to say about winter here is that it’s so fucking cold the raw sewage smell seeping up through the sidewalks is somewhat dampened by the frost.

This pleasant effect of the cold temperature is more than mitigated by the effect winter has on my shitbox apartment. As was the case last year, winter has brought on an onslaught of mold that no amount of bleach can cure. I’ve never seen anything quite like it; last season I literally peeled strips of mold off the walls around the windows. Nowadays there is no wallpaper left, so the mold is forced to cling to concrete. After I bleach the walls the stains combine with mosquito blood from last summer to create a rather morbid spectacle. Sort of like a zombie’s apartment – if that zombie had a maid.

Of course the zombie would not bathe, and thus would not have to suffer through the misery that is my shower in the wintertime. My landlord is a nice guy, but when it comes to the water heater he’s either retarded or just a sadist. The heater (which more aptly would be called a “warmer”), sits outside in the cold, encased only in a plywood box with no door. Even though we leave the heat on when we’re away the pipes managed to freeze last month. Watching the landlord defrost them with a blowtorch was amusing. He told us that when it gets really cold we have to leave our water running all night to prevent pipe-freeze.

Even when the pipes work the water isn’t hot. Actually that’s not quite true: it’s scalding hot for about 30 seconds, and then freezing cold. Somehow the heater saves up just enough juice to blow one flaming load when u first step in the shower – but then it goes limp as soon as u come back for more. My landlord doesn’t believe me when I tell him there’s a problem. He seems to think I simply enjoy having him over for a chat whilst standing around in a towel.

But this is it - last winter in Korea. Soon I will leave this moldy, frozen, sewage-smelling dump and trade up for a new city. How’s London this time of year?