If The Fans Don't Get You, Mad Cow Probably Will

I thought I’d continue with the topic from the previous post – Koreans believing things completely lacking in any scientific basis – in the context of the US beef protests that have been going on in Seoul for the past couple weeks. Quick background on the issue: Korea was the 3rd largest import-market for US beef until 2003, when a case of mad cow disease was recorded in the States, causing Koreans to freak out and immediately ban all beef imports from the US. The new Korean President, Lee Myung-bak, has been trying to get the US-Korea FTA signed, and has therefore recently agreed to reopen the Korean market to US beef imports. And man, are the Koreans pissed.

A couple weeks ago people began holding candlelight vigils in protest, and I’ve read that more than 1.2 million Koreans have now signed a petition to impeach the president over his lack of concern for the well-being of the country. I mean, I was sympathetic when Koreans reacted to the accidental deaths of two Korean schoolgirls hit by a US tank in 2002 by holding candlelight vigils, but really - candlelight vigils over a trade dispute? I thought it seemed a little excessive until I heard what all the fuss was about. A Korean “documentary” that aired a couple weeks ago, had claimed that Koreans “carry a special gene that makes them more susceptible to mad cow disease”, sparking the belief that anyone who consumed US beef must have some sort of death wish. The internet has been all abuzz with people here lamenting their inevitable early deaths, like one young Korean woman who cried, “Are we fated to die so young?”, or another who wrote “I just want to live and fulfill my career dreams, not die mad like an American cow!”.

Truly, this is more of an issue of fear mongering within a culture that still struggles with significant levels of anti-Americanism and victimization following centuries of occupation and colonization. But I won’t get into that now. Whatever the influence behind it, I think the main concern here is the fact that such a ridiculous claim could garner such widespread attention and support throughout the country.

The Korean Federation of Medical Groups for Health Rights had slightly less absurd reasoning behind their anti-FTA stance, but no less unsubstantiated. One of their 2006 reports states, “We're so well aware of the fact that there has been no country that improved their people's health, economy, or the quality of the lives of their nation among the ones that agreed to sign FTA with the US. Instead for those countries that signed FTA with the US experienced the downfall of economy, forced to lean on the US, the right for people to their health was demolished and poverty was increased. We know that this is what the US wants. Therefore, we oppose Korea-US FTA agreement.”

Maybe, however, Koreans can rest well knowing that at least they aren’t the only people in the world willing to believe things that make the majority of the rest of us snicker. The Japanese Agricultural Minister, Tsutomu Hata, tried in 1987 to deter Japanese from eating US beef by stating that Japanese intestines were longer than those of Westerners and therefore unsuited to digesting American beef. No, seriously. When I was in Japan nearly 15 years after that statement, I still met Japanese who would tell me, with a straight face, that their intestines were longer than mine.

Fan Death

I almost shat myself when i heard this: many Korean people believe that prolonged exposure to an ELECTRIC FAN WILL KILL YOU. I feel like Jon Stewart covering President Bush over here - I could not make this shit up if I tried! Check out this press release from the Korean Consumer Protection Board:

http://english.cpb.or.kr/user/bbs/code02_detail.php?av_jbno=2006071800002

A buddy of mine has a Korean girlfriend and he had to explain to her that the fan would not "lead to death from an increase in carbon dioxide saturation and decrease of oxygen concentration", as the Consumer Protection Board suggests. This is clearly an hilarious superstition, but even more interesting is their attempt to ground it in scientific terminology. I mean, tell us the evil spirits get blown up your nose by the death fan, then you would just sound like those African guys who think that witches are stealing their penises just because old men can't get it up anymore (and honestly, there must be some sort of devilry in that).

But to acknowledge that you understand what elements are floating around in the air, and then still maintain that it's possible for a fan to somehow blow away only the oxygen molecules - that is some seriously fucked up science. I wonder if this fear also explains why most Kims will not open the friggin windows on the bus even if it's 200 degrees inside - previously i just assumed they wanted to ferment themselves in the reek of Kimchi breath. Caus if a fan can blow away all your oxygen, perhaps the rushing air through a window can blow away all your ability to use critical thinking skills and scientific analysis...Guess it's too late for that.

Now my only concern is weather these evil Korean death fans can also blow their peculiar brand of logic into my unsuspecting brain...I'm already starting to think that motorcycles were meant to be driven on the sidewalk; it's only a matter of time

Efficiency

Perhaps you've heard that people in Seoul work longer hours than anyone else in the developed world? If not, check it out here

UBS recently did a report on Korea, finding that not only do Koreans work more than anybody on earth, their cost of living is also higher (see the article in our "Korea in the news" section). People in Seoul pay 20% more for the same crap than people pay in New York City, and yet New York kicks ass, while Seoul...er what's the word? Sucks?

This might strike you as logical on some level (not the sucking part, but the rest) - Koreans work the longest hours because they have such a high cost of living. They gotta earn more so they can afford this overpriced suck-fest. Sadly, this is not the case. First of all, Koreans employees earn squat compared with other countries. Now, this is partially do to the fact that the Korean system is in no way based on merit, and most rewards are simply doled out to the crooks who've made it to the highest position in the company - most likely by being born into it. Non-executives make nothing. But there's a deeper issue at play: efficiency.

This country has got to be the most inefficient place outside of Africa that I've ever seen. Sure, people stay at work all night long, but they don't accomplish a damn thing. Most of the time the younger Kims are just sitting around holding their dicks while they wait for Kim the Elder to finally leave. When they are working, they perform meaningless tasks because only the top brass is allowed to use their brains in a Korean company. (And we must assume that by the time they reach that level, they've spent too much time inhaling fumes in the bathroom to be of much use).

Take for example my stupid job, wherein I do almost nothing. Last week I got a bit riled at my boss for not including me on important projects and meetings that were clearly within the scope of what I theoretically do here. In response, my boss gave me a task: he asked me to read a book. This book was written by some British guy about how to do business in Russia. Now the fact that this Brit asshole knows nothing is beside the point. (The book is filled with such brilliant insight as : "it's cold in Russia", and "don't mention Communism in a meeting"). The point is that my boss actually suggested I present this book to the entire company. I have never been to Russia, much less lived there - meanwhile we have bona fide Russians working for us, as well as many Koreans who have spent months there on assignment. Why would anyone benefit from my book report on the topic? And yet this is the most meaningful task I have been given in 2 weeks.

Do you doubt me, dear reader? Think that my meaningless life has made me too critical of the Korean workforce? Well consider this: basic economic theory tells us that a worker will be paid the marginal product of his labour. We have already noted that Koreans earn far less than other OECD workers. This means (roughly) that they don't produce as much. We also know that Korea is ranked 31st in overall competitiveness in the world. All this overtime amounts to nothing whatsoever.

Therefore, the gratuitous extra hours every night still can't make up for the fact that this country is so god-damned inefficient that they can't even properly rip off the Japanese anymore without wasting a few billion Won.

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Thanks
Wex

Blastin a duke at work

Those of you expats who live in Korea will no doubt be familiar with the strange bathroom habits in this country (the Kims could turn brushing teeth after lunch into an Olympic Sport - but removing the reek of Kimchi is impossible). I can't say for certain, but I'm willing to bet that the following experience basically describes most Asian offices:

You get to work early - say around 7:30 or so. You're dead tired because you had to get up at 6am and you couldn't go to sleep till 1 or 2 because you don't get home till 9pm and u gotta spend at least 3 hours with the wife and kids, plus one hour naked in the bathroom with a gun in your mouth.
After a morning meating during which you fabricate an action plan for the day that sounds remarkably similar to what you did last week, you check emails till about 8:30. By 9am, it's time to blast a duke, so you head to the toilet - empty handed.

I stress empty handed because you never see Koreans roll in with the paper, as we Westerners often do (I actually bring in my PlayStationPortable sometimes, caus there ain't no english papers in this office). Now, despite this apparent lack of reading material, the Kims will proceed to sit on the bowl for as long as 30 minutes. In total silence. Not even shitting sometimes. I'm not shitting you.

How would I, Wexford Sunshine, know that my colleagues regularly spend the better part of their morning ostensibly blasting a duke? Because I have studied. I am no turd-sniffing pervert, mind you. But sometimes a particularly tough game on my PSP requires me to extend my own restroom sojourn to lengths of up to 15-20 minutes. Now, when I roll up on the john, I can see by the closed doors that some stalls are clearly occupied upon my entrance. I also often hear breathing, and of course the occasional Hershey squirt. But in a majority of my mornings, even after 20 minute sessions, I never hear a flush, nor a stall door open.

Thus I have estimated that many guys around here (I will leave it to my associate Wake Me When it's Over to confirm if this applies to women), spend at least half an hour a day on the toilet. What could they be doing, if they have nothing to read, nor any PSP to play games on (I would hear the buttons being pressed if they did)?

I believe they nap.

Every day, most koreans nap on the bowl for at least 30 minutes. Now this should tell us something about productivity in this country. It should also tell us a bit about how absurdly overworked these poor bastards are - and by overworked I mean forced to stay late and arrive early, not given complex yet meaningful tasks that actually require thought and effort.

We'll have more on the topic of Productivity:Working Hours in my next post, but for now I leave you with this thought: What happens to the brain and psyche of someone who spends so much time inhaling restroom fumes? Do they dream of a porcelain paradise? Maybe I'll find out next time I need a nap.

Strange Business Practices and Inappropriate Work Conversations

One thing Wexford forgot to mention in his previous posts on his corporate training seminar was a comment by one of the speakers, a foreign employee at the company who was quite frank with the new employees. “You might think, after working here in Korea for a while, ‘I’ve worked for large international companies before, and this company is doing everything wrong!’”. There will be lots of business practices, he warned, that will seem odd to you, if not downright ridiculous. I think I know just what he means.

At a meeting with some co-workers a couple weeks ago, I was informed that our company used to rely on palm reading to hire new employees. Apparently, they would read your palm before they agreed to hire you, and often they resorted to some “face reading” as well. I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assumed that this was something that took place, say, before I or anyone I know was born. But nope, this was regular practice until a few years ago. Another one of my co-workers at the meeting nodded in agreement, pointing to his face to indicate that they had “read” his face before he was hired. The thinking, apparently, was that you could tell what kind of worker someone was by looking at their face. But what if you were just really tired at your job interview and had dark circles under your eyes that made you look crappy?, I wondered aloud. Would they hold that against you? No, they told me, but women with bags under their eyes are considered to be very “sexually charged”. Ok….

With the conversation shifting quickly to extreme impropriety, I found myself at a sudden loss for words. I remember thinking, however, that if I had been in a job interview at that moment, there’s no way I would’ve been hired. The look on my face said it all.

Defied by Korea - a swell vacation

As our loyal readers know, I often complain about the various ludicrous things that happen to me in this country. Perhaps no one has endured more of my whining than my family. Thus it was with some trepidation that I welcomed my sister to Seoul last weekend, fully expecting her to hate the place. Although I have of course always maintained that there are some good people here, in general I've panned Korea as one would pan an all-autistic production of Cats. (I mean, it compares on so many different levels...)

It would seem that Korea, not content to merely thwart me in everyday life, decided to defy me in my family life too - despite all I'd warned, my sister loved her trip. Furthermore, I too had a great time on my mandatory holiday

The stars were with us from the outset (well, I actually caught a case of explosive diarrhea the night she arrived, but that provided some comedy and didn't greatly detract from our vacation). The weather was gorgeous - perfect for a trip to South Korea's most famous mountain: Seorak-san. We arrived at the oceanside town of Sokcho, just 10 K from the mountain, on Thursday afternoon. From the beginning my sis and her girlfriend Emma were impressed with the Korean transportation system, which included an almost empty bus with enormous seats and a driver who's breakneck pace and blatant disregard for human life managed to get us to the coast in just 3.5 hours. We spent the evening wandering the almost deserted beach and shooting off Roman candles.

On Friday we rose early and headed for the mountain. A bright, sunny, breezy, pollution-free day made the treck up to the peak all the more pleasant. Although the steep steel steps hammered into the side of the cliff detracted somewhat from the experience, they enabled us to reach the top in just 2 hours. Once there the view was spectacular. Of course, it wouldn't be Korea if some effort hadn't been made to demolish the aesthetics of the place. The "peak" itself was not at the top; it was a small rock surrounded by steel rails and inhabited by some asshole with a megaphone attempting to sell cheap jewelry and gold "i made it to the top" medals. (See Photo) But the scenery put us all in such a good mood that we laughed off the silly little man yelling in a megaphone at people penned in 5 feet away from him.

On Saturday we returned to Seoul and again my sister and Emma got a treat: a Buddhist festival in Insadong, complete with parades and an incredibly rare multicultural display - plus a small Tibetan demonstration to boot (my hippie sister loves that stuff). We polished it all off with a delicious meal of some of the biggest dumplings I've ever seen.

Well done Korea. For once you've defied my expectations in a supremely positive way.

Mandatory Vacation

With my sister coming to visit last wednesday I was a little concerned about what to do with her during the two days i would be at work. Thus i was pleasantly surprised when i heard that we were being given thursday and friday off - some vacation bonus, probably to thank everybody for keeping their cool during the recent scandal (and by keeping cool, i mean deleting all their files and not talking to the press).

In typical fashion, we were not informed of this vacation, which is the longest one all year, until one week before the event. I thus had to scramble to make reservations and plans. Once all was set in place I heard an interesting rumor. Apparently the Friday vacation day wasn't a real holiday at all - it was a "mandatory vacation day".

Has anyone else ever heard of this? Basically, thursday is a free holiday, but friday we are all simply forced to use one of our personal days. Bear in mind that most new Korean employees only get 5 days of personal vacation a year - and these assholes think it's their right to tell us how to spend one of those 5 days. (I get 15 days, caus i told them to shove their measly 5 days up their asses, but most new employees just bent over and took the 5 day program).

So I was of course indignant - who the fuck are these people to tell me when I can take my vacation? Another thought crossed my mind however: perhaps the Kims need to be told when to take a day off. My colleagues almost never take any personal days. People here are incredulous when I tell them about all the places I've travelled. They will probably shit an entire kimchi pot when I tell them I'm taking off 2 whole weeks for christmas. So while for a foreigner like me the whole thing seems offensive - not to mention probably illegal, the company might just think it needs to prod the corporate family into a little R&R.